lead the way

Put Your Hands Up

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said I'd rather be with your friends mate,
cause they are much fitter

I kick asses.

[ 11:52 PM ]

I am fine with being alone, and being left on my own. In fact, there are days when all i want to do is have nothing to do, and no one to speak to. Just me and my thoughts, a little eccentric may be, but still enough to amuse me. And on those days, i refuse to pick up my calls, or reply to endless messages, or even go online. I don't care what anyone thinks of these little habits of mine. Because i know i hold on to my thoughts more than anyone else does, i listen to myself before i do anything, and its only when i am completely ready that i ever take a step out of my comfort zone.

I am reclusive that way, but i love it that i am this way. It's not loneliness because i still know i have people out there whom i care for, and who care for me in return. And when i say i have done nothing this week, i usually do mean it. I am not very proud of being such a slacker (as conventionally put), and i am trying to do something about that. But as always, i am teaching myself how to do this living a life thing right. I have no one to look up to and no one to guide me, on what's right and what's wrong. And most of the things that i have done, were the product of my will, gut instinct and maybe a little hope. A little hope, that at the end of my days, i would have done something that i would be proud of.

I realise i am growing up, when the things that used to mean the world to me don't mean much anymore. And when i realise that the people i used to hold so close to my heart, to the point that i disregarded everyone else, do not understand me the way strangers do. They fail me, time and again, and i understand now that sometimes water can be thicker than blood. Its at these times that i understand that what we are supposed to do is realise that venturing out of that family unit, and trusting people who may be complete randoms, may be the best thing to do. Cos that's where you see the human spirit, the love that makes people stick through anything, and trust that is unbreakable.

I used to treat my friendships so badly because my mum always told me that at the end of the day, it's not the friends who will be there for you; and that its always family that will help ease your pain. Maybe she was speaking out of her own bitter experiences; i will never know. But what i do know is that my family is not with me in the present. They are all living their own lives, and growing into different people, and as much as i want to hold on to old memories, and remember them as they are in my photo album, i know that these people are never going to return to me. With time comes change, and learning. And the knowledge that at the end of the day, it's just about appreciating the love that i did have in my life. Being grateful for the love that i do have in my life today. And hoping for more love in my future. Cos i need to be loved. That's what i have learnt more than anything else.

And i am back to writing in prose. This is what suits me best, more than anything else.

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