lead the way

Put Your Hands Up

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said I'd rather be with your friends mate,
cause they are much fitter

I kick asses.

[ 11:39 AM ]

I recently read Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation for the second time. This time, to gain some closure. I think i am not ready for that yet. The book's not exceptionally well-written, and very often you feel like the author is indulging herself in her (miserable?) life as she recounts it, but there were many moments in the story that spoke to me. So, here are some very memorable quotes:

"When i think of all the things he did because he loved me - what people visit on each other out of something like love. It's enough for all the world's woe. You don't even need hate to have a perfectly miserable time."

"Ever so often, they would try to put on a face of mutual concern, telling me that their feelings for each other shouldn't affect me, but it always rang false, like putting an elephant in the middle of our cramped, poorly lit living room and trying to suggest that i ignore the beast, that he would be tame and well behaved, that we could just live and work around him. I admire the fact that rather than trying to do what was right in a situation that was so obviously wrong, they did what came naturally.

We came to Alaska and we froze to death."

" 'I'm glad you are being so responsible,' my father says, ever the laid-back parent, never the moralizer. 'Just be careful.'

'Be careful?' I ask.
'Be careful of your heart.'
'Oh that,' I say, certain that i have nothing to worry about. 'Yeah, well Zachary's a pretty good guy.'

***

Within a month, my father left New York without a trace, a tragedy that was only eclipsed by the fact that Zachary also left me without a trace, except for the beautiful gold necklace he had bought for me and insisted i keep. He said something about how he wanted to feel like he could play basketball with his friends without worrying that i was going to start crying. And i said that it had never occured to me that he'd rather be shooting hoops than in bed with me, and he said that, yes, in fact, sometimes he would prefer to play basketball, and that in terms of absolute value, sex and sports were equally meaningless to him, they were just two different ways to have fun.

So all i was to you was a way to have fun? I asked
Yes. That's right, he said.
And that was it.
Be careful of your heart."

In other news, i did very interesting Facebook quizzes that supposedly tells me all these things about me. It was a very self-indulgent experience, and i have a feeling that sometimes we humans tend to place too much importance on the idea of the Self and identity. When deconstructing the self, only leaves us with history. I realise, now, that it doesn't matter how my past experiences have created this person that i am today. What's important is the person i become on my own.

I shall leave you with something really sweet.

"You can take no credit if you're beautiful at 16. But if you're beautiful at 60, that's your soul's own doing."

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